Patton Oswalt & The King and the Clown

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               I’ve changed the movie so many times for Patton.  Once when I was deliriously sleepy I considered the perfection of comparing him to his favourite film the Princess Bride.  Not quite Korean.  I bought (stole) many stand-up routines that I didn’t already have.  I bought books on tape and I bought and borrowed new and used books during this strange journey.  When Spaceship Zombie Wasteland came out I had to purchase it.  I can’t just read in Borders or Barnes and Noble like so many people.  I like my little library of comedian books.  I don’t fit into one category, though the concept is as brilliant as a sparkling slice of sky cake.  Horror and Science-Fictional writers leave the world (Spaceship), simplify the world (Zombie) or destroy the world (Republicans).

                Gong-gil (Lee Jun-ki) and Jang-sang (Kam Woo-sung) just want to entertain the world.  They’re puppeteers, actors, tightrope walkers and jesters, but there is a problem.  Gong-gil appears more feminine and beautiful than some women and powerful men want to steal him away.  Considering the subject the King and the Clown was a real triumph, breaking the record in Korea for the highest grossing film.  The director Lee Jun-ik (Once Upon A Time In A Battlefield, A Happy Life, Radio Star) shouldn’t be confused with his star.   

              Patton starred in Pixar’s film Ratatouille in 2007 joining Pixar’s voice talent with fellow comedians like Ellen DeGeneres, Albert Brooks, Tim Allen, Billy Crystal, Eddie Izzard and Daniel Whitney.  He’s been everywhere and done everything though.  He’s been a bridge troll, been to KFC and even released some albums that are incredibly hard for me to find.  I connect with him a lot being an R.E.M. fan.  Fables of the Reconstruction of the Fables of the Reconstruction of the Fables of the (stop me) was an amazing album.  I got into R.E.M. a bit late and I lean toward Lifes Rich Pageant.  I like that as I wrote KOCO (see cover) and read SZW Patton was connecting the Michael Stipe lyrics to his life.  We’re dedicated to what we love.

               Jang-sang has committed a murder to protect Gong-gil from being prostituted.  We’re never quite sure if his feelings go further than that.  The movie (also called the King’s Man) itself walks a tightrope.  The subject matter is not blatant nor is it hinted.  It was enough for China to ban it with Ang Lee’s Brokeback Mountain though.  Personally I think banning things is gay.  They should knock it off.

               The two clowns end up in Seoul (16th century) getting into trouble satirizing the King.  Soon to be executed they beg for the King to see their show.  No royal laughs and they’ll accept their fate.

               Though Patton has been on primetime shows, his comedy is more aimed at college crowds or at least his own peer group.  His jokes flip back and forth from pop culture to higher brow to geek.  He wowed me with a piece about Anne Frank where he goes into the historic house not knowing he has to pay.  He hides and starts a diary.  I mentioned sky cake before because it’s perfect.  Patton does various pieces about religion, but here he explains the purpose and need of religion and why he likes it, even as a “stone-cold atheist”.  The violent ruled the world, but with some kind of moral code and eternity dessert, humans could create civilization.  I was a little angry because I’ve explained the same concept to friends in the past but  seriously … sky cake.  The title is deserved of a band.  I just joined the Benevolent Church of Sky Cake.  I think I’ve gone too far.

               It isn’t long before the King becomes enamored with Gong-gil.  He has the clown perform for him privately and has the other performers make satires of treasonous acts, resulting in fear and murder.  As more and more truth is revealed no one is safe.

               Is it better to live a blissful life?  Is it better to mask depression with drugs?  Is it best to fall in line?  Some comedians simply entertain.  Some comedians hold up mirrors to themselves, some to society.  Patton has a beautiful moment where he expresses no mourning for the end of the worst President we’ve ever had, as if a good leader would destroy any comic.  Now where will I get material?  I’m reminded of the towers falling.  Will anything be funny again?  I wondered where I should move when people acted like that.

Jang-sang is imprisoned twice and mutilated for his feelings toward Gong-gil.  Gong-gil attempts suicide.  In the end they both find themselves on a tightrope with a speech amidst  the chaos that brings smiles to the audience.  They want to be clowns even in the next life.

               I’ve mentioned the tightrope that some comedians walk with low and high-brow humor.  Meaningful and silly.  Referencing and satire.  Shock and subtly.  Patton puts the others in awe with confidence and depression.  With charisma and geek.  I hope to watch the Princess Bride with him someday.  I have the Buttercup version too.  I think the first book I ever wrote breaks down as Zombie (simplifying), with elements of Spaceship (the role-playing adventures) and then Wasteland (killing the characters off one by one).  What are you?



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               As I child I loved Steve Martin, the man in white with an arrow through his head.  As I grew older I felt he followed the path of Eddie Murphy (they would even work together in Bowfinger).  He was this energetic, hilarious guy on television, movies and records who, as he aged, became something else.  He began making watered-down family entertainment.  Maybe that’s what everyone does.  I felt like I was his audience though.  Shouldn’t he care what I want?  Writing this book I decided to give every comedian a real chance.  I listened to him read Born Standing Up with hope.

               The Customer is Always Right begins with an awkward scene of a chubby older man named Ahn Chang-jin and a schoolgirl.  The saying “The Customer is Always Right” gets a lot of visual ridicule throughout the film.  I have always had a problem with it.  I understand it.  There is no successful business without the customer, but a line may be crossed.  Sung Ju-ru plays Chang-jin, a barber.  The schoolgirl he’s with is prostituting herself, but he’s never going to get that far.  She runs away with Chang-jin’s money.  It’s a strange beginning as the barber believes his life is perfect.  He’s a perfectionist at his trade and has a wonderful wife, seemingly.  A gangster played by Myung Gye-nam is about to change his life forever and put the philosophy of the film’s title to the test.

               Steve Martin was a comedian before comedy clubs existed.  He focused his lack of commercial talents into an avant-garde act.  Rick Moranis called it anti-comedy.  Though I started out feeling a distance between us, I felt pulled in while Steve Martin read his own exquisite words recalling his epic life.  Steve studied comedy and broke down what he should and shouldn’t do.  And he often did both.  I started to realize that he was two people, the man and the man on stage.

               The Customer is Always Right feels like a stage play.  The shots aren’t boring, they are the creativity that comes from being in a box.  Kang Yang-gil (Gye-nam) has come in for a shave and some money.  He’s witnessed a hit and run.  It was the barber’s car.  He’s not happy with just one visit either, he’s going to make many.  Paying for his shave and then making the barber pay for his mistake.  He’s going to take whatever he wants.  Even the barber’s wife.

               There is a certain woman I’d love to talk about right at this moment.  Ellen DeGeneres probably has an idea of who I’m talking about as well.  I will not mention her name though.  She was such a crazy liar she had to write two books about it.  Sympathy for Mr. Martin and Sympathy for Mrs. DeGeneres.  Moving on.

               When Chang-jin tries to stand up for himself there is a frightening scene where he is slapped and slapped and slapped like he was an incompetent gangster.  He’s slapped until there is a red face and tears.  The anger melts to the whimpers of a child.  There is no way out of this hell.  One mistake that he’ll literally pay for forever.  The scene is not uncommon and a detective is hired to slowly unravel the real identity of Myung Gye-nam.  At this point in the film, you may also begin to put the clues together.

               Every comedian starts out with heroes and looking for identities.  Before his joyous happy feet and the surreal thoughts surrounding “getting small” Steven Martin was a magician.  He was an intellectual magician, an intellectual comedian, an intellectual writer and actor.  He was breaking the whole process down.  What works, what doesn’t.  Becoming what needed to be.  I fear writing this, I’ve written for so long and Steve’s words bury me.  Some author’s large vocabularies come from expensive editors and an explosion of thesaurus use.  With Steve, it’s real.  I’ve felt him becoming his old self as he quoted his own jokes and I see things differently.

               Myung Gye-nam is playing himself.  I will never forget him because of this film.  He often plays a small role and is in many gangster films.  His daughter has been hit by the barber’s car.  It has nothing to do with the prostitute at all, in fact, the barber’s wife was behind the hit and run. Gye-nam only wants insurance money that will come from his death.  He plays his final role in real life attempting to drive a man into homicidal madness.  He needs an accident for the insurance to pay off, maybe a slip of the razor.  That will pay for what his daughter needs.  In the end, Chang-jin rescues his sign and places back on the wall, The Customer is Always Right.

               Steve Martin is a wonderful writer.  Considering all he’s done in the entertainment industry there is nothing to not be proud of.  If he’s doing what he wants and he’s happy now, it matters little what you or I think.  I can always go back and watch or listen to what I enjoy.  I can watch The Jerk.  I can understand the past, present and future of Mr. Martin on a new level.  The only person that is right is the person who is harming no one and is happy inside.  I can do my own happy feet if I need to … and I think … I … will!

David Cross & Save the Green Planet!

(Newbie?  Check out the INTRO)

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     Can any one person save us?  How active and aggressive does one have to get when no one is listening?  How soon before everyone thinks you’re just a lunatic and stops listening?  How soon before you agree and give up forever?

     A bee-keeper and possible mannequin maker named Lee Byung-gu  (character actor Shin Ha-kyun) kidnaps a wealthy businessman.  Lee knows the man is an alien.  His research is extensive.  He’s assisted by his chubby circus performing girlfriend Su-ni (Hwang Jung-min).  She’s like a child with dolls and an affinity for the song Over the Rainbow.   There are ways to get an alien to talk and they’re both about to go to work.

     David Cross’s early openings can be equally interesting.  Sometimes he acts like a redneck who hates acts like his own, especially “potty mouth”.  Sometimes he sings a Vegas show tune about his act that tangents into commentary about cosmonauts.  Every act I’ve ever heard has been different, but something remains the same.  David is a satirical agent for progressive change and has been for many years.

     It isn’t long before the drugs he’s (not David Cross, but I can see how you might be confused) taking and the torture starts to get to Byung-gu’s girlfriend.  She leaves sadly.  The love loss is no distraction.  The alien has plans to destroy our planet.  Before anything, the alien’s head is shaved.  That’s how he can communicate with the others.

     David Cross pops up in movies like Sarah Silverman,  usually a role where he’s playing a horrible person of some kind.  He’s well known for Mr. Show, a sketch program that was like no other.  Each sketch connected to the next and often the whole show was a circle.  Co-hosted by Bob Odenkirk (Abe Lincoln) and co-written by Bill Odenkirk, Jay Johnston, Brian Posehn and others with long names, it was a cult hit.  That means it was cancelled too quickly after being put on HBO very late at night.  There was even a really funny film that had so many problems even David and Bob gave up on it before it made it to DVD.  It gave me an old fashioned kick in the cunt.

     Lee Byung-gu’s life is violent and tragic.  His mother is in a coma and the alien Kang Man-shik (played by zen master with a similar name Baek Yun-shik) is partly responsible.  His first girlfriend was beaten to death in workers’ strike.  His mother killed his father.  Lee Byung-gu’s dog eats his past test subjects.  Each one he finds is not an alien.  When a suspicious detective arrives and finds nothing, on the way out he sees a human bone with the dog.  Honey, gravity and bees dispatch yet another in the way of saving the green planet.

     David will be my hero for long stretches of his act, but then as the audience laughs less and less, he switches gears into something low-brow or silly.  I think this happens with a lot of intelligent comics.  Some comedians know their audience and fully pander.  Some know their audience and semi-pander.  But I feel like David doesn’t what to.  He almost yells at them and himself at the same time.  What the fuck is this political stuff?  I came here to laugh!  His book seemed the perfect time to throw it all out there.  It’s a different audience.  I was actually a bit disappointed.  Some parts were really funny, I love the Mafia game.  I just think he’s more intelligent than some of the material.  I’ve been listening a long time.

     The alien tells of a cure for Lee Byung-gu’s mother.  He uses the time to break free and finds himself going through the journals of his disturbed host.  It saddens him.  As he’s about to be freed Lee Byung-gu returns.  His mother is dead and he has nothing left.  The businessman tells the story of our creation as if he were an alien.  It’s unknown if he does this from the journals or because it’s true.

     Sub Pop is a well-known Seattle music label.  It released Nirvana’s first album as well as Soundgarden, being an important label for the grunge genre.  Then suddenly, David Cross and a few other comedians were released on it.  I thought it was really cool.  There is a saying: Comedians all want to be rock stars and rock stars want to destroy Napster.  Sorry still bitter.  Often comedians find themselves self-releasing their comedy or on very tiny labels.  Sub Pop, even if it has changed its principles, was a well-deserved step for a talented artist.  I just hope for less Chipmunks and more satire.

     It’s all a satire, the aliens, the torture, the blowing up of Earth to the saddest ending theme ever (Lee Dong-jun is phenomenally talented).  It’s about working conditions, gangsters beating striking workers to death.  It’s about our never-ending violence that will ultimately destroy us.  A television, the opiate of the masses, flies out into space when the Earth blown up.  It suddenly shows scenes of Lee Byung-gu’s youth.  There is good here.  We later learn to kill.  We learn that money is everything; it’s the society we vote for every few years.

     David is at a David crossroads.  I just feel it.  It’s easy for him to stop.  Eddie Murphy just has to clock in.  The paycheck is guaranteed no matter the script.  If you’re at a show, and David Cross starts screaming at himself again, stand up and say this please:  “No, wait, please go on.  We’re listening this time.  Hell, some of us might even do something.” 

     If you simply get thrown out, I apologize. 

Doug Stanhope & Happiness

(new? read the intro)

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               How can something so sad fill you with happiness and explain the emotion so well?  Doug Stanhope weakly yells at you as you applaud him at the end of his show.  “You don’t mean it.  This isn’t real.”  Why was he there?  Sometimes there are aspects of life you need to understand.  And you’re not going to always find them on your own.

               Heo Jin-ho’s Happiness begins with a man named Young-su who enjoys a heavy night life.  His girlfriend has broken up with him and he’s in debt to his few friends.  He finds out he has cirrhosis of the liver before we even meet him.  It is suggested that he go to a country clinic called the House of Hopes.  He slowly starts living a healthier life, no instant food, no cigarettes.  No alcohol.

               Doug tells the audience the same things his friends have told him for years.  You’re just funnier drunk.  I have to be drunk to get up here and do this.  It’s like my friend who could destroy everyone at video games, no matter the amount of marijuana.  He would do something on Tony Hawk that no one could do, just so they would finally turn it off and play some Street Fighter.

               It’s not shocking to find Doug and Bill Hicks linked on the internet.  They’re different people and different acts, but you think of the other when you hear their words and how they say them.  It’s comforting, even if the majority of the world may have an opposite reaction.

               Young-su soon meets Eun-hee (the frail Lim Su-Jung) at a country store.  He buys alcohol and tries to share it.  She walks away and he throws it out.  As boring as it seems, she’s his mirror if he wants to live a longer life.  Slowly he starts to have feelings for her, understanding, a different dependency.  Female embrace, and males destroy.

               Stanhope’s Unbookable label helps comics like himself.  These comics have acts that are on the edge of taste, but are still hilarious.  There is even a movie being made about their difficulties.  The senses of humor of comics is often different, and though some try to pander, others would rather enjoy what they’re doing than make everyone laugh.  If everyone was the same, we’d be in a much better world.  Doug and his friends shine a black light on the world, showing who we really are, who he is, and all the lint on our clothing.

               After getting caught eating something he shouldn’t have, Young-Su catches up with Eun-hee, struggling with a small tree she’s carrying.  It’s nothing to him, but it’s like a lead weight to her.  She’s been recovering at the House of Hopes for eight years.  Her lungs are barely functional, running would kill her. 

               After his 7th album, Stanhope found himself signing to Roadrunner, creating Roadrunner Comedy.  It seems that helping people, helped himself.  Being true helps too.  As dark and sad as things get, Doug seems to turn it around and then turn it around again and make it worse. 

               Young-Su is making connections and smiling more.  After witnessing a suicide, making him very vulnerable, he develops a relationship with Eun-hee.  The people at the House of Hopes are very positive, encouraging exercise, smiling and even laughing.  Then some get test results that say they’re going to die.  What is happiness?  Is it the small things we do that slowly kill us?  It is the connections we make with other people?  Is it a slow long life of sacrifice for the greater good? 

               I see Stanhope in the character of Young-su.  I see him jaded at first.  The country is slow and soft compared to the city.  I think he likes making people happy, even if others are horrified.  As Eun-hee shows how bad her situation is, instead of hiding it, Young-su gives up.  Life in the country is a boring, bland endless routine.  When she comes to visit, Yung-su goes back to the girlfriend who left him.  He goes back to the lifestyle he was accustomed to.  Not wanting to die without running, Eun-hee runs.  It makes her happy for a moment.  She dies alone.

Soon Young-su returns to the House of Hopes.  It’s winter and after all the drinking, smoking and sex, he knows what Happiness was.  It was everything he already had.  So much of the film is about trying.  At least they tried.  Doug can definitely say that with confidence.



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               I was collecting special versions of films from all over the world when I came across Korea.  While that was happening, a war was on in my own country, HD vs. Blu-ray.  Though we know who won, sometimes I mourn.  HD was a simple title that told the story and didn’t have to put an annoying blue stripe across the top of everything.  To this day there are people who have no idea what Blu-ray is.   They are called old people, and are still looking for VHS tapes, but I digest.

               My goal was to collect the best version of any film I owned, or might want to own.  Reservior Dogs in a metal gasoline can?  Sure.  Juno in a Tic Tac box?  Neat.  I have a Japanese film in a paint can.  Tons of tins and steelbook and metalpaks.  Korea was going to up the ante. 

               The cases were huge.  What kind of shelves do Korean movie stores have?  I have a DVD of Terrorist that comes in a round film can.  How do you display it?                

               Now there are some crazy cases for our films.  I-Robot has a bust of Sunny.  Tron Legacy came with a glowing disc.  Often, children’s film come with a stuffed toy or a small disguise that fits in with the film like the Lorax’s moustache or the rainbow wig from Madagascar 3.  Some time ago, things started to get smaller in Korea.  You pay more for Blu-ray films, but you get less.  It’s like buying diet food.  You took out the fat and made me pay twice as much?

               It started with CJ Entertainment’s 001, the Good, the Bad and the Weird.  I bought the limited edition DVD and sometime later the Blu-ray appeared.  A smaller digipak with a sleeve.  I thought little of it.  The phrase, 1000 copies only should have rang my mental bell, but it didn’t.  I let it go and now it’s like 200-400 bucks.   Same went for Memories of Murder and Mother.  Releases were not simultaneous so you never knew what was going to have a Blu-ray release.  Suddenly the films had that boring blue strip instead, the sign of an eternal non-limited copy.  The best thing about the limiteds, no blue. 

               Soon other companies popped up, like Contents Zone.  They boasted special re-mastering on the image, starting out with Bittersweet Life.  They also began a numbered set with a limited to a 1000 version of Christmas in August.  I didn’t think much of it, and besides, I had the Shim Eun-ha collection.  The thing sold out quickly and is now another expensive collector’s item.  Boo!  The DVDs come in a book, but most of them look an awful lot like CJ Entertainment’s limited editions.

               KD Media was also there releasing Blu-rays in sleeved digipaks, but with the success of Nameless Gangster, they went bookThe only book before that was a dual effort from KD and CJ for Sunny (2008).  They even sleeved a book to celebrate the amazing success of Thieves.  Sounds like pointlessly sleeving a Steelbook, but I have a few of those too.  

               It’s amazing.

               Speaking of Steelbooks, Korea had only released Steelbooks for domestic WB films like 300, V for Vendetta and The Departed (ooo, things changed).  Most likely the American company wanted to stand out and attract an audience.  There was experimentation with metal cases like the metal sleeve of Natural City and the Friend’s tin case, not to mention My Sassy Girl in a huge metal bank.  There were a few German metal cases for Korean films too, like a real Steelbook for Phone and a huge metal tin for Shiri.  Tartan Asia Extreme even put out special metal cases for films of the Vengeance trilogy in America.

               War of the Arrows was the first real Steelbook, released in Korea by DCG for their Blu-ray.  They followed with Speedy Scandal.  Besides Phone, I don’t think any other Korean film has had a normal Steelbook release, especially not within the country.  Usually they only put out American films, and silly Americans, like me, import them back out.

               CJ’s numbered Blu-ray set is reaching the 30’s now and it seems that Korean are buying the new technology.  Some, like the Duelist, are being released with no subtitles at all, maybe to keep the new technology in the country.  With a matching region code, it’s easy for North Americans to buy and play the Blu-rays, often the films will never have a domestic release.  Well Go USA is one of the few companies putting Korean films out in North America, and they don’t release them often.  The film has to be big, like Thieves.  They mostly release Chinese films, so importing is the only option unless you support the bootleg market.  I’d rather give the money to Korea.  I like the direction things are going, though I miss giant DVD releases of all the New Wave films.  Some were over a foot tall.  I guess I should be happy that things haven’t gone completely digital.  I imagine one day in the future, a grandchild asking me, “Grandfather, what’s a Blu-ray?” 

Jay Mohr & Master Kim vs. Master Kim vs. Master Kim

(if you be new, check out the intro)

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               I like the Offspring.  Enough said.

               Okay, maybe it isn’t.  My friends don’t like the Offspring.  Personally I think there is genius in the way that Dexter “Two degrees in biology” Holland can embody someone else for three minutes while most people just sing about internal things.  Otherwise he has multiple personality disorder.  Whatever the case, the music is really energetic and the instrumentation and structures can be quite original.  Jay Mohr is to comedy as the Offspring is to music, regarding my friends.

               This isn’t an isolated incident.  No matter how well he does, he’s not really respected or well-liked.  He was hired on SNL at the same time as Sarah Silverman and Dave Attell, imagine that.  He did Christopher Walken impressions and was in a movie with the guy.  He has a photographic memory and he’s kind of a breakin’ balls, loud mouth jerk. 

               Three Masters Kims (for short) is about a couple of egomaniacal martial arts teachers who are barely even respected by their very young students.  These two master Kims (Shin Hyun-jun and Choi Sung-Kook) are rivals in their small town attempting to scoop up each others’ pupils (including one Master Kim’s son) and if possible the only young attractive single female, (Oh Seung-kyun) as well.  Beauty is the daughter of their mutual landlord that the masters never pay on time.  To add to their problems, a real expert of Wushu Kung Fu strolls into town (Kwon Oh-joong) and this master is also named Kim.  He’s going to move into the same building, steal everything and do it with kindness, real talent, some major chops on the piano and no ego … at first.

               In Jay Mohr’s fourth podcast he begins to crush rumors started by others.  This includes stories of him stealing jokes.  He does this by having one of the very friends he borrowed the joke from on his show.  He starts each show by saying that he is never going to lie.  He doesn’t sugar coat his past, though he does talk over his guests a bit.  A man with a lot to say should probably be on the radio.  It’s like beginning again.

               So let’s begin again.  We have a new Kung Fu (it’s what Jackie Chan taught in the Karate Kid) Master Kim, a Japanese Kendo (an armored fighting style with a stick) Master Kim and a Taekkyun (a Korean martial art mostly focused on kicking and sweeps and possible head butts) Master Kim.  Before our new master arrives we get to see him with the other two in some fighter video game style credits.  They reminded me of some Shaw Brother beginnings.  The film borrows lightly but only for humor’s sake.  Comedy and entertainment are the goal.

               Besides impressions (Forrest Whitaker, Kermit, Norm MacDonald, Keanu Reeves, Ricky Gervais, Louis CK, Christopher Walken, Colin Quinn, Tracy Morgan, Woody Allen, his agent Barry Katz) Jay Mohr is probably best known (still haven’t got around to Jerry Maguire) for his role in Jane Austin’s Mafia.  This film features the funniest child-trying-to-catch-his-breath-after-swimming-an-entire-ocean scene you will ever see.  It’s 14% (and climbing) on Rotten Tomatoes, but honestly, besides a slightly lowbrow ending, I really enjoyed it.  The vacuuming of money, the skewering of the over-used gangster genre (pay attention South Korea) and the parodying of a film I really hated called the English Patient (83% and falling).  Affairs bore me. 

               Korean martial arts are important, but Japanese and especially Chinese martial arts are better known, and established.  The film gives equals time, but there is slight center on a father trying to keep his son interested in domestic traditions.  The Kendo master Kim (Japan) is shown as a traitor and a cheat (even at video games).  It’s like the invasion of Korea all over again, though Korea is shown mostly as lazy and peaceful.  Who will win? 

               Jay Mohr hosted the best edition to reality television with a show called Last Comic Standing.  He would be replaced later by Anthony Clark who was probably the first person to find out that Jay was going to be a cast member on Saturday Night (Live).  He dominates his auditions.  He crushes when the stakes are high.  Choking just isn’t an option.  His comedy may not be highbrow always (ever) but he’s solid, confident and really funny.

               Deadly moves are spoken about concerning the Taekkyun Master Kim.  His son wants to learn them.  Everything he does seems cowardly, but he stays with the central theme that martial arts aren’t about violence.  They are about mental and body training.  He wants to win the heart of Beauty without a fight.  He often shuns weapons as well, the others use them often.  As thugs try to take the property deeds of their small town during a competition to win the heart of Beauty, a legend will rise to the occasion and prove himself and let his child know who he really is.

               I have a friend named Denny Mock, a comedian I’ll talk about later.  He does impressions.  We had a game of putting Schwarzenegger and Keanu Reeves into movies where they shouldn’t belong (try Passion of the Christ).  Impressionists are sometimes looked down upon so he wouldn’t do the impressions on stage, no matter the laughs.  Jay gets them yelled at him.  He relates it to doing your hit single first during a rock concert.  He’ll get to it.  This is his act (and tiny bits of others’ acts, shhh), so if you want some Walken, go watch some old SNL or check out Mohr Stories.  You can yell out whatever you want, he can’t hear you. 

Judy Tenuta & Foxy Festival

(if you’re new check out the intro)

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               My fetish?  Accordions.

               Foxy Festival (or just Festival) is Lee Hae-yung’s second film (not including 29 years).  It’s bigger, and yet lighter.  In Like A Virgin, there was violent oppression to the main lead wanting to dress like a female.  Here the only walls are small town values and a cop with penis envy.  The whole film is bright and funny.  It pushes and caresses at the same time.  It feels kind of nice.  Yeah, nice.

               Are you into Judyism?  All you have to do is worship Judy Tenuta, pig.  Worship the Aphrodite of the Accordion, the Love Goddess.  It’s not hard.  Just do what she says.  Judy started the ego comedy that has become popular with Stephen Colbert and Sarah Silverman.  She won best female comedian at the first American Comedy Awards and she really needs some more worshipers.  The petite flower has been performing since the eighties until now, so kiss her feet!

               Why is a schoolgirl running so much?  The obvious answer is: To sweaty up her panties for selling.  Who would buy them?  Why would she sell them?  Her sweet mother is in love with a leather-clad man who wants to be whipped.  Her teacher dresses secretly in lingerie.  Maybe her small town is strange, or maybe we don’t know as much as we think we do.  As her mother says near the end.  “There are pervert mothers too.”

               Judy was into gays and feminism when it wasn’t fashionable.  Younger people now may not know how bad it was.  The closet wasn’t half full, it was full.  Women had only acquired the right to vote since 1920.  Reproductive rights are still being discussed to his day.  In California, Judy became an ordained Minister just to marry gays and lesbertarians in 2008.  California changed its mind in about four months. 

               Would you leave your sex doll for a real girl?  Our schoolgirl wants to change the mind of a young fish cake seller.  She sells her panties to a man in a van full of sex toys for two tickets to a concert.  She’s trying so hard.  The cop’s wife is too.  He’s become violent after not getting promoted.  His aggressive love making does nothing for her.  He becomes jealous of her vibrator, daydreaming of her on a giant rocking cock.  He becomes jealous of his young partner’s larger member when he glances at it in the restroom.  He becomes drunk and tries to arrest a cross-dresser a dominatrix and her leather pet as they all converge one night.  This night’s arrest will reveal their secrets to their unknowing spouses and family and change their life’s for the better.

               I asked Judy if she knew the difference between the North and the South.  She said, “There’s a cutoff age for sleeping with your parents.”  I was talking about Korea, but that’s okay. 

               Foxy Festival has an interesting ending.  Seems like a nod to Air Doll.  Though Air Doll was a Japanese movie, Bae Doo-na had the starring role as the sex doll that came to life.  Here the sex doll winks.  A wink and a nod to someone else’s very interesting fetish film.


This hilarious essay was bought to you by Judyism.  It molests half the children that scientology and Catholics do and doesn’t require any reading, probably.  Jews, if you sound it out, you’re almost there.  Muslims, seriously, calm down.